Recipe: Salad Cream Sandwich
Take two slices of plain bread.
Slather on a good big dollop of Salad Cream.
Wham the slices together.
Cut in half. Eat.
Having grown out of just rifling the biscuit tin and smuggling packs of Skips out of the kitchen pantry in the pockets of my dressing gown, the first snack I learned to make for myself as a child was the (I think, hugely underrated) Salad Cream sandwich. Still a favourite even now (though now garnished with black pepper for added 30-something-sophistication), I’ve surprised myself at just how many tasty emergency snacks can be pulled together using just bare essentials and all those stupid condiments that are left hanging out in the fridge and in the kitchen cupboards long after all the proper foodstuffs have been used up. Which is handy, really, since I seldom have any proper food to hand. When you find yourself in times of trouble and mother Mary comes to you completely empty handed, without so much as a digestive biscuit let alone words of wisdom, never fear. ‘Tis time to embrace your inner slob. Throw off the ‘domestic god/dess’ shackles. Yeah, you’re probably right, these accidental culinary delights might sound pretty disgusting, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Give ‘em a whirl. I’ve found little tricks to fool myself into thinking they’re actually quite posh. Crushing black pepper on stuff makes it posh, right?
P.S I know you won’t give ‘em a whirl. That’s ok. I shan’t be offended.
Recipe: Pesto Pasta
Boil pasta with a wee dash of olive oil.
Drain. Add a tablespoon of pesto. Mix it up.
Dump onto a plate. Eat.
[If feeling especially fancy, add a tablespoon of creme fraiche and you got yourself a dinner party].
Recipe: Pretend Eastern Eurpoean Sandwich
Take two slices of plain bread or left over crusty hog loaf.
Spread a thin layer of tomato ketchup on one. Spread a thin layer of soft cheese on the other. That stray Dairylea triangle will fit the bill nicely.
Layer up some pesto onto the red bit of the bread.
Crush on some black pepper then wham the slices together. That said, if using hog loaf, I recommend just adding all three layers to one slice – one on top of the other and eating like an ‘open sandwich’. See? P-O-S-H.
Cut in half. Eat.
Poor Man’s Spag
Boil up some spaghetti. Brown or white – don’t matter, though I think brown pasta is tastier somehow.
Drizzle with olive oil. Add black pepper.
Should you happen upon an eadible sprig of fresh basil left on that neglected herb plant you bought, now’s the time to use it. Rip the leaves and stir ‘em in.
Dish up and enjoy.
Recipe: Tomato Bread
Slice up the remains of a crusty baguette.
Take a ‘just-about-past-its-best’ squishy tomato. Cut it in half.
Rub the tomato innards onto the bread.
Add a tiny drizzle of olice oil over the lot then garnish with salt and pepper.
Recipe: Carb “Salad”
Cook some pasta just the way you like it. Rinse it in cold water, cover - then pop in the fridge.
While the pasta is cooling, chop half an onion (or as much onion as you can find at the bottom of the fridge drawer) into tiny bits and throw it in a bowl.
Open a can of tuna fish and drain. Throw the tuna fish in with the onion.
Sprinkle some vinegar on top. Add tonnes of black pepper and a squirt of lemon juice. Mix in a dollop of Salad Cream.
Add the tuna mixture to the cool pasta then pop the whole lot back in the fridge for 5 – 10 minutes.
Serve with the last of that cucumber you found earlier – and maybe with some of those slightly dried up radishes on the side.
Beardy and I have eaten Carb Salad for lunch for two days in a row. Still not tired of it…