A while ago, I mentioned in passing that I haven’t updated my beauty regime since I was 13. Beardy asks me, more regularly than you might expect, why I change my hairdo and my clothes now and again but yet never change my face. I’m never quite sure how to respond. I usually just mutter something about not being very good with make-up. This response is equally as unsatisfactory to me as it is to Beardy.
I used to be quite, quite obsessed with make-up when I was little. In my folder of cut outs from Jackie magazine I treasured a particular spread about creating the perfect ‘vamp’ look. Remember when magazines used to use the word ‘vamp’? I miss those days… The girl in the magazine who underwent the vamp makeover wound up with a perfect, porceline base, fabulous cat-eye eyeliner, bright red lips and sculpted cheek bones. Having followed those darned make-up tips for the past 16 years, I can’t say I’ve ever achieved the perfect vamp look.
Just for fun, I thought I might empty the contents of my make-up bag (well, make-up drawer, actually) and see what might happen were I to experiment a little bit.
I used to hoard make-up products. People gave me hand-me-downs. I kept ‘em. I received free samples from cosmetic counters. I kept ‘em. I bought weird coloured eyeshadows on a whim. I kept ‘em. However, the one time I actually want to play dress up with the crap I’ve accumulated (“That foundation that’s 4 shades too dark for my skin? Hm… Might come in handy”), I find that at some point I’ve been sensible – and ditched the bulk of my beauty ‘back-ups’. I feel a mixture of rage, pride and disappointment.
Since I was all geared up for some make-up fun, I tried my best to give myself a make over. I even put my vintage crimpers to work. Here is the finished result.
Re-create the look…
1. Having cleansed and moisturised your face (who actually uses toner? WHO?), cover all the weird bits of your skin with concealer. I paid particular attention to the annoying reddish bits at either side of my nose and to the dark circles that have appeared beneath my peepers.
2. Since I don’t have make-up sponges or one of those fancy big brushes, I use my fingers to apply foundation. To create this look, you must apply three times as much foundation than* you would normally.
3. Set your base by applying approximately three times more face powder than you would normally.
4. Cover your entire eyelid with any eyeshadow you can find (I only had one to choose from). Ideally, you will own more than one shade of eyeshadow. Owning more than one shade of eyeshadow is almost sure to make this activity more fun.
5. Decide which of your eyeliner colours is silliest. Apply three times as much than you would normally. Around both lids. Then apply three times as much mascara than you would normally. Again, mascara options will enhance the experience. I only had one option.
6. Use lip liner. Just for a lark. Slick on three times as much lipstick than you would normally.
7. With your blusher brush, draw on fake cheekbones.
8. Crimp your hair. Having shared my crimping woes with crimping expert Josie Jo, I have learned that I ought to have sprayed my barnet with hairspray first to create a tighter crimp.
9. Make a funny face then insist your photographer husband take a ring-flash portrait of you immediately. Et voila!
*As I re-read this post, something is bothering me. Should one say, “three times as much than you would normally” ooooor “three times as much AS you would normally”? I’ve written it and changed it so many times the words make no sense. My apologies. Sometimes the word brain just stops working.