I say, ‘festive’. I’m not sure there’s anything less festive than a dreepy nose, a blocked ear, a stabby headache, a sandpapery throat, a weird non-cough. And a fever. For the first time in about 6 years, I’d made it. I’d made it to the 24th December – through the pre-Christmas chaos, past the work-o-rama hell and over the humps of festive preparations – all without even as much as a sniffle or a wheeze. I even said aloud, “I can’t believe it. It’s normally round about now I catch flu and spend the worst week of my year sweating/sobbing uncontrollably on the sofa, swaddled in thermal clothes and buried beneath a mountain of blankets. But not in a good way”. It was probably right then, on Christmas Eve, as I opened and closed my mouth and breathed in and out and felt wholeheartedly smug about my good winter health that I ate the germs. I ate them and they multiplied in my insides.
To be fair to the little nincompoops, at least they didn’t show themselves until the latter half of Boxing Day. They had the good grace and thoughtfulness to allow me an enjoyable Christmas Day with my family. Then, just as my Boxing Day hangover had began to ease up, I complained to Beardy that my sinuses felt like I’d maybe accidentally snorted some chlorinated water or gotten something (gin?) up my nose. Flashbacking to the party my parents threw the previous night, gin snorting didn’t seem too far fetched. The left side of my face felt funny. The back of my throat felt raw and kind of stripped. My poor nostril (singular) was burning. Mere hours later, the germs came out guffawing, tongues hanging out like members of Kiss, poking their stupid fingers in my face, “Ha! You. You total fanny. You thought you wouldn’t get sick this Christmas? Of course you will be sick this Christmas!”
Yeah. Of course I would be sick this Christmas. Not only are these few (relatively) ‘work-free’ days the last I’m likely to have until this time next year, but for the first time ever, I’d made proper preparations to enjoy myself. For months I’d been saving up some special treats and activities for myself to enjoy on my days off. I can barely describe how excited I was about my holiday kit. I’m not sure I can describe how excited I was about it at all, actually. Um. Imagine that greetings card you see all the time in Clinton’s. The one with the wee teeny girl on roller skates on the front. She’s chubby. She has a chubby face and amazing chubby knees. She’s got curly hair and might be wearing a big furry jacket. She’s clasping her hands with utter glee and she’s squishing her face up in a smile so tight it looks like she might turn inside out. That’s how excited I was.
By the time Christmas Eve rolled around, my holiday kit contained the following:
1 x box of Toffifee
1 x sachet of raspberry Creamola Foam (substitute)
1 x unopened copy of Frankie
1 x unopened copy of Oh Comely
1 x unopened copy of BUST
1 x unopened ‘Jolson Story’ DVD
1 x pair of fleecy socks
1/2 tub of Haagen Dazs (cookie dough)
1 x bottle of Bucks Fizz
Of course, by the time Santa had been on Christmas day, the holiday kit had grown to an incredible size and featured many additional items such as red & white paper straws, rose flavoured chocolate and fruit pastilles.
I’m not saying that the germ invasion has ruined my kit – though it has kind of ruined the first part of my holiday. I have enjoyed some bits – but I know I would have surely enjoyed them more were I not distracted by the soft, sausage shaped tissue paper plugs I’d jammed up my nostrils brushing off my chin. Today though, I have decided to embrace the germ invasion. I have decided, on Beardy’s recommendation, to embrace it. I am cosy. I am comfy. I am drinking hot drinks and eating hearty soup. Never have I watched so much shite on the telly and – I’ve barely moved in 4 days. Now, if that’s not a rest – I don’t know what is. Since I can now sit up without leaking (sorry), I’m hoping to use my time that way I’d intended – catching up on some long overdue blogging, flicking through my favourite magazines, watching my favourite movies – while getting fat.
More stories coming your way any moment now.